The Three Word Wednesday I Will Probably Take Down

I can’t sleep. 2:13 in the morning and I’m not the least bit tired.
I can hear him breathing; sometimes mumbling in his sleep.
It makes me smile and sigh at the same time.

In my mind, I pitch ideas to him:

“Why don’t you quit your job and move into my place so you can chase your dreams. You deserve to have everything you want, not just what you need.”

“I know we’ve chosen girls names, but I’ve been thinking a bit harder. What about Ella; it’s beautiful and a tribute to my grandmother.”

“I want to change my job so I’ll have more time and energy for us, so that we might be closer.”

But I know in the cold light of morning, I’ll just hold my tongue.

I’ve said such things before. Jokingly, so as not to scare him. Not to push him. I’m worried he’d feel trapped and start looking for the nearest exit. A green sign pulsing with “Your freedom starts here.”

It’s 2:29 now. I’m rambling incoherently in my mind. A million feelings and thoughts all centered on him. Things I hide, things I tell him, they’re all jumbling together and I want to scream them to him just to let them all out. Instead I stay silent, not wanting to wake him, until they build so inside me that I’ll burst soon, I know it.

I can’t keep holding it back, not tonight of all nights. So in a low voice I whisper a small prayer above: “Please give me more strength. Please give me more patience. Please help us to be what you intended us to be. I’m thankful, dear Lord, every minute, every second, for this man that you brought into my life. Please help me . . . just help me . . . to be what he needs me to be.”

Medgar Evers once said “When you hate, the only one who suffers is you, because most of the people you hate don’t know you hate them and the rest, don’t care.”

Though I agree wholeheartedly with this statement, I’m shamed to admit that I still hold hatred in my heart. I attempt daily to redirect this hatred or to transfer it into a different emotion, but it seems an impossible feat.

Holding on to this hatred is futile, and I’m aware of this fact. It’s futility is even more confounding because my hatred is for someone whom I don’t personally know. This person and I have never exchanged words of any kind. We’ve never even laid eyes upon one another. But my hatred for them burns bright within me. I suffer for this and I’m the only one that does.

I’ve contemplated on several occasions contacting this person whom I hate so viciously. A phone conversation, an email, a handwritten letter, something, anything to express my questions and anger towards them. But in the end, I internalize it instead. Feeling that my expressions would fall on deaf and ignorant ears. Also, I’m not the type of person to attack someone without cause.

I need to learn to redirect this emotion of hatred. I must force myself to let go of my anger and confusion. But learning to do so is proving harder every day. Particularly when their offenses continue to compound.