Sincerity

I feel his fingers fumbling clumsily with the top button of my dress. It takes me a moment to realize that he’s as nervous about this as I am. Strange. At his age, in this part of his life, I would think this would be commonplace for him. Undressing women, that is. Having them fall at his feet. The way he looks, the things he says; how could it not be?

I want to look up into his face. To see if his expression mirrors my own. But if it doesn’t, and I look up, I’ll give myself away. He’ll see the mixture of terror and happiness worn like a mask on my face. I’ll keep my head bent, my eyes trained to his fingers and with a little luck, he won’t try and kiss me, forcing me to meet his eyes, showing him my fear. He dips his head lower, I presume to get a better look at the button that’s vexing him. Our heads collide and I hear him groan in pain. This isn’t going well. I wonder if it’s going to happen at all. I should reach up and help him. But the way my hands are shaking, I wouldn’t be much help either.

The neckline is low enough that the buttons are really unnecessary. I could reach down, grasping the hem of my dress and lifting it slowly above my head. But, then I’d have to reveal my entire body at once. I’m not sure I’m ready for that. This is better. Slower. This way, if he decides he’s changed his mind, I still have some secrets to keep. The scar traveling a ragged path down my rib cage. The bright red circle of skin that shows my failed attempt at rebellion in the form of a navel ring. The places I’m a little softer than I should be. No, this is better. I’ll continue to let him fumble. And if he stops, if it’s all too much trouble, we can both pretend it never happened. I’ll lose his number, he’ll forget mine and the world will continue to spin madly on.

I feel the button give. He shakily exhales and says "Well . . . " before using one finger to lift my chin. He kisses me deeply and I sigh into his mouth. Some of the anxiety melts from me and I feel my knees weaken. "I’m not sure if I have the stamina for the other four buttons." I lower my head and kiss his neck. "I really wish there were a better way to go about this." I trace a line to his ear and nibble softly there. "I want this dress off of you. Now." While I feel desired, while my blood is rushing in my ears and I can’t hear my own words of caution, I grab the hem and tug quickly upward. Revealing all that was so safely hidden.

"Beautiful." And his sincerity echoes in the roaring silence.