The Three Word Wednesday I Will Probably Take Down

I can’t sleep. 2:13 in the morning and I’m not the least bit tired.
I can hear him breathing; sometimes mumbling in his sleep.
It makes me smile and sigh at the same time.

In my mind, I pitch ideas to him:

“Why don’t you quit your job and move into my place so you can chase your dreams. You deserve to have everything you want, not just what you need.”

“I know we’ve chosen girls names, but I’ve been thinking a bit harder. What about Ella; it’s beautiful and a tribute to my grandmother.”

“I want to change my job so I’ll have more time and energy for us, so that we might be closer.”

But I know in the cold light of morning, I’ll just hold my tongue.

I’ve said such things before. Jokingly, so as not to scare him. Not to push him. I’m worried he’d feel trapped and start looking for the nearest exit. A green sign pulsing with “Your freedom starts here.”

It’s 2:29 now. I’m rambling incoherently in my mind. A million feelings and thoughts all centered on him. Things I hide, things I tell him, they’re all jumbling together and I want to scream them to him just to let them all out. Instead I stay silent, not wanting to wake him, until they build so inside me that I’ll burst soon, I know it.

I can’t keep holding it back, not tonight of all nights. So in a low voice I whisper a small prayer above: “Please give me more strength. Please give me more patience. Please help us to be what you intended us to be. I’m thankful, dear Lord, every minute, every second, for this man that you brought into my life. Please help me . . . just help me . . . to be what he needs me to be.”